I think some people might wonder why I'm a bit of a health nut, why physical exercise and diet seems to be such a big deal to me, why I'm always looking for the new solution to a healthier me...it's times like these.
Times like these when my body just quits. It's had enough. It doesn't want to move. Every joint and muscle hurts and walking, running, doing things seems like too much of an effort. If it were just that, I wouldn't be too concerned. I would just rest and wait it out. After all, I had a long week. Folk Alliance veterans will tell you it takes time to recover. But, I've been through this before and I know when my system decides to shut down, there's no reasoning with it. It gets to work on my mind and starts telling me that it's not worth the trouble. If I persist, it insists, "What the hell are doing? You're not going anywhere."
And right about then is when I get angry.
Ask anyone who knows me. I have issues with the word "no". Tell me I can't do something and you've pushed the wrong button. So, it's the worst betrayal in the world to hear myself say, "I give up". But, I do. I give up fighting it. I give up crying over it. I give up. I'm telling my body right here and now, I trust you. I trust you to find your balance, heal and recover because I need you for something more important than a number on a scale or a certain dress size.
This past year, after years and years of searching for reasons why, I found some answers. An autoimmune disorder. My body fighting itself. Exactly. What I've always done in spirit depicted in physical form....viola! There it is. And I welcomed the diagnosis because this was something I could do something about. Eat the right things (bye-bye gluten), exercise, rest and take my meds. Yay! This I can do! Then, boom, another diagnosis. This time about something I can do absolutely nothing about. An acoustic neuroma. Just have to live with it. Accept "no" and that I can't do anything because there's nothing to do. Not now, anyway. And, be grateful that I'm really in the best case scenario as such things are concerned. Still, I wish it were gone.
Either way, it's still a matter of how I feel. And, right now, I'm a little unsettled. Over the last few months, I've witnessed people I admire in the music industry express their distaste for it, their animosity, their hopelessness in continuing the "fight" to make it. It unsettles me because I see these people as successful. They are doing what they want for a living and actually making a living doing it. I mean, they aren't financially dependent on anything but their music and, if that's a problem, I think I wouldn't mind having it. Which makes me think that there are probably plenty of people out there who wish they had my problems instead of their own. I get to make music. It doesn't feed me. It doesn't support my family. It just makes me happy and I hope it makes someone else happy too because it's times like this, when I'm tired and in physical pain, that I could see it as a fight too. And, fighting is something I can't do anymore. Besides, I have to believe that in some ways, because I get to do this, I've already made it. I've made it as far as the past me wanted to be and I'll take it as far as the future me really wants to go.
Cartoon pic of me gives the appearance of alertness. Yay!
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